Stressed up.

Alright, so things are fucked up now.
My feelings are so mixed up.
I cried when he initiate the break-up.
So it meant that he still mean something to me.
Is it that I still love him or is it maybe he was once important to me?
Do I even still have feelings for him or am I in love with the other guy only.
I know I'm being sucha bitch for loving another guy when I'm with him.
But somehow feelings can't be controlled,
& probably he didn't make me feel love enough.

How I wish I could know the answer myself.
What am I thinking?
If it was not for the incident yesterday, everyone will still be kept in the dark.
Isn't it better that way? Only my closest friends will know.
But now it seems like the whole wide world knows about it.
I just wanna bang my head against the wall & forget everything.
At least I won't feel so stressed up, guilty, bad or whatsoever.

I'm so sorry that I've hurt you so much.
Sorry for not being able to give you the love you wanted, sigh.
I know you must be very sad now,
yet I can't be there for you to comfort you like last time.
You'd rather choose to be alone.

& Boy, is it just an infatuation or is it true love?
I'm so confused.
You already have someone else on your mind,
yet I chose to stupidly love you.
Should I just forget you since I know it's impossible,
or should I wait for you?
You're never meant to be mine,
& I hate myself cause I always fall for the wrong guy.

Damn everything, I feel like a bitch.
It seems like I'm two-timing.
I wanna have my answer!
I wanna get all this clear.
Oh Lord, please help me won't you?

I don't want you to be the cause of our break-up.
I don't want you to feel bad or anything.
I don't want you to avoid me because I love you.
I don't want you to try to make me stop loving you.
I don't want you to love someone else.

If only you love me, how nice will it be?
I guess all these are just part of my wishful thinking.
How silly.

After writing so much, it seems like I really do love the other guy.
But I just think that things are going the wrong way.
It isn't suppose to be this way.
He loves me, & instead I love someone else.
I think I should try to get back my feelings for him.
In this way, no one gets hurt.